When we have problems, we don’t feel the kindness of God.
But it doesn’t mean that God isn’t kind.
It just means it’s nighttime, but God’s kindness is still shining.
In another part of your world, it’s daytime!
Soon, your night will pass. Your trials will pass. Your burdens will pass. And you’ll see the first rays of the morning sun break through the darkness of your problems.
- Bo Sanchez
I'm not having the best start to my day today, unlike other days when I feel extremely happy in the morning.
Sometimes, my Tita makes it a habit to point out all the bad things that are happening to us and our family, and sometimes it just really takes a toll on me. Like every November, she makes it a point to remind us that Christmas this year won't be as good as Christmas in 1995 or 1996, during the better days, I must say. I can't blame her though. She has already sacrificed so much.
Years ago, I always looked forward to this time of the year, especially when school got too busy and when my parents decided to part ways. I always wanted it to be Christmas, simply because I got to spend more time with my Lolo and Lola, who really just show their love so much (and the gifts I got from my ninongs and ninangs. Haha.). In 1997, my Lola passed away a few days after Christmas, and up to now, memories of that day still flash through my mind so vividly. Ten years later, my Lolo suffered a stroke which ultimately led to his demise the following year. Christmases since then weren't exactly occasions I looked forward to.me fun or like what they used to, I still can't answer the hows and whys and what-ifs. Sometimes, it just pierces my heart knowing that right now, I am powerless to change things. I feel like even if I have the perfect Christmas celebration outlined in my mind, I really can't share it, and it crushes me.
I used to question God a lot. Why me? Haven't I suffered enough? I'm so young to have to go through all these things. Don't you love me?
I know that in terms of my faith, I'm still taking baby steps, but I'm hoping that I'd be able to truly walk with Him to answer the longings of my heart. A few weeks ago, I went to mass. And I really can't help but cry. God sent me a message on that day and I could never forget it.
Sometimes, you just have to bear your cross in order for you to grow in My love, and when you grow in My love, you can share it with the world.
I do not know if you believe in callings, but I do. Somehow, I could never fully understand why God allowed me to go full time despite all the challenges I needed to face. But then again, I believe that this is where I am able to share the love, and someday, soon, maybe my family will experience that kind of love from me too. I just hope that it the sun will shine on this side of my world. :)
